April 20, 1995.

I hate being so weak spined. My life has so little direction. I
go to work, come back, dance a little, listen to a little music,
sometimes I write in my jouranal or write a letter or two.
Sometimes I read my tarot cards or consult the I Ching. I
prepare my courses. I talk on the phone, catch a movie or two,
eat a bit, walk a bit, meet friends here and there. But all
through it all, I sense I am not attached to this life. I
suppose I could say I'm not grounded. I fantasize all too much
as far as I'm concerned. Not in a true negative sense. I don't
believe in my fantasies. I'm not saying I would not like to
believe in them but I'm lucid enough to separate fact from
fiction. What I don't like is that I know I'm wasting my time
fantasizing about my love life. It won't make anything happen.
I know that and that's why I am sorry to be so weak spined.
Instead of spending my energy doing constructive things, I
daydream about impossible situations and whether I want to admit
it or not, I do wish some of these things would come true.

Yet, I'm not quite made for domestic life. For the past few
days, I've been thinking of baking a cake but it seems so useless
and a waste of time. I'll probably let all the ingredients go to
waste before I ever get around to baking it. Today, I was
talking to a navigator who was explaining his job to me. What a
challenge! I thought. There was strategy involved; daring,
intelligence. It was a good mixture of brains, guts and
strenght. Teaching French seemed rather insipid as I was talking
to him. Especially since I always wanted to be a foreign and war
correspondant or work in Foreign Affairs. But am I doing
anything to direct myself toward a career of the kind? Well,
yes. I went to university the other day and got the list of
courses necessary for a major in international affairs. I could
register immediately for the course, for a course of any kind but
I don't know if I have the gumption, stamina... The thought of
being forced to study appeals to me and doesn't. I think I'm
tired of working so hard. If I could study and have the same
standard of living without having to teach so many hours, I would
probably not hesitate. I would find it enjoyable to hang around
university. Sleepless nights just don't appeal to me anymore. I
no longer have the stamina I once had. I tire easily, I look
like hell if I don't have 6 hours of sleep. I know that I should
actually have 8 but it's just not possible at this time and I
don't know if it will ever be.

I lack stimulation of all sorts but I don't know where to get it.
It was fun talking to Steve. I wished it could have lasted
longer. It was odd. He was talking about strategy, about always
having to be one step ahead of the submarine captain's moves
and all of a sudden, I got a flashback of my pilot dream in which
he was talking to me about the



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