April 26, 1995.

I take my glasses off and I think of Mohammed. Just like he said
I would. What are you hiding he asked? So many things to hide,
from myself; things hidden so deep down I am not even able to
sort them out. I am concerned with the nature of things lately.
My first year philosophy professor would be proud of me. Or
would he be? He would threaten to give us his lecture on the
nature of things if we didn't ask questions. I asked very few.
Today though, I have hundreds. How can I fit into this world
more fully? I see myself as a collection of particles which it
seems to me should just naturally fit into the universe, like
everyone else around me. Yet so few people actually do
comfortably fit in. Why is that? If we could only master our
selves and flow naturally with our environment, it would be so
easy. However even nature has problems fitting in today. Is it
because we are neglecting to ask questions? Or is it simply that
we are asking the wrong ones? We are concerned with making money
more than we are with living. We have forgotten our objectives I
think. We want to improve our lot in life but we forget that to
do that, quality of life has to be good for all those concerned,
regardless of who we are, regardless of what has been bestowed
upon us at birth. We are not very accepting of others, of their
lack of ambition, their lack of intelligence, their lack of know
how, their lack of good looks. We concentrate on what they are
lacking rather than on what they have. Maybe it is the way we
are educated. I am trying to remember how I was educated. We
begin our lives as vessels to be filled hopefully with good
things. But we are encouraged to be docile, silent, not to make
too many waves; to follow the troupes without asking questions.
But someone has to ask questions. Someone at one point had to
ask questions to be able to come up with the theory that it was
better for the masses to be unconscious. It does create chaos
when someone is more curious than the norm. It also lowers the
level of comfort, creates fear and with fear, we are back at
chaos. But chaos is not necessarily bad. It begs to be more or
less organized in order to lead to positive changes which will
also eventually lead to new questions, more chaos and on and on.
The masses prefer resisting change though and that is because
they are bred on fear. The ultimate fear perhaps is death though
and is it so bad? People, all things in nature are resilient and
we find means of overcoming those fears if we are taught to see
them as growing factors. We can subsist with so little in the
end. We can overcome so many odds: lack of love, lack of
comfort, e.g. food, money, shelter, warmth of the emotional and
physical kind. Sometimes, we perish, granted. But much in the
world lives on and more or less adapts to the given conditions.

Some of us draw strength and knowledge from having had to make do
with little. Some of us multiply the little we have to the point
we can share it and make it grow even more.

So many people have talents that stagnate because of fear. It is
my wish that all those talents be pooled to create a harmonious
and more accepting world.

Why do we thrive so much on pettiness, on making the other person
look or feel bad? I do it all the time with my children. Why is
a spill on the tablecloth a reason to speak harshly to someone,
to humiliate a person in the process of learning to be human?
How can I expect someone to have compassion for others, to be
accepting of others when that spot suddenly takes on such grand
importance. It doesn't make any sense at all. It's misdirected
anger I'm told. But it has to stop and I have to work at
stopping it. There have got to be ways that I am not aware of.
Olaying on guilt is certainly not a solution. Screaming, beating
children neither. Group therapy, support groups, talking about
the problem, admitting there is a problem are steps in the right
direction but I find we haven't gotten beyond that yet. Possibly
somewhere in the world there are people who are working on
concrete measures which bring about positive action but I am not
aware of them and from what I see around me in society it is
minimal. I'm not sure how I can contribute but I am searching.
I've sown the seed among friends and we plan on getting together
to act upon ideas, anything but I am convinced something has to
be done. Perhaps I have to send out vibes like I've done before
in other circumstances so that the right people will converge to
take action. That is where I am at today. I have at least lost
my fear of picking up the phone and reaching out for what it is I
am looking for. I am beginning to speak out more. I am learning
more tact, learning to negotiate and I am making progress. It is
encouraging.

AC


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