May 5, 1995.

I am in love. It's so unexpected. It makes me shake. Makes me
so nervous. I am allowing it to happen. It's not unlike a tidal
wave. I don't know what to do with it but I've decided to ride
with it. It's odd, strange, something like this happening to me.
It happened so gradually. I suppose I wasn't on my guard and
that's exactly what happened. I was caught off guard. A man
appears. I think, try and recall where it all started and I'm
not quite sure. I don't want to think about it yet I do, I do.
I don't even want to hope it's reciprocal. Yet I do. I don't
think I can admit it to myself, but I think he's in love with me
too. I think that's what makes me so nervous. That's never
happened to me before and I'm not sure I can cope. I am going to
have to do like in my dream and remove my mouth guard. I have to
get a hold of myself. It hardly makes any sense to me. It
doesn't make any sense to me. I can always understand it about
me but never about someone else. How can anyone fall in love
with me? I suppose there lies the difficulty. Huguette told me
yesterday, maybe you don't feel yourself worthy of love and I've
come to the conclusion she is right. It's frightening to me.
Why is it so frightening? How can something so common place,
something that happens every day to millions of people be so
frightening? I've been exposed to all kinds of frightening
situations and I thought I had conquered most of my fears or that
I would come to terms with conquering the ones to come but
nothing has ever frightened me as much.

After a nap, I feel better. Yes, I think that Steve might be in
love with me. I realize that I find all kinds of excuses that
allow me to reject love. Love is fine for me as long as it's a
one-way street. I've always wondered why I've nver found anyone
compatible and now it's clear as day to me. I never allowed it.
I'm not even sure I will allow it with Steve. I think however,
that on his return from Texas, if he does contact me, I will make
a conscious effort to be open to opportunities. When I awoke
from my nap, the first thing I thought was that I was too old,
too withered to enter a relationship; but there have always been
excuses. All my life. All of a sudden, Mr. and Mrs. Bernard came
to mind, Raymond and Pat came to mind, Raymond, blind and in his
wheelchair and madly in love. I realized it wasn't up to me to
reject myself for the other person. If Steve so chooses to
reject me, then so be it. But it is not up to me to do it for
him. I find it incredible that on the eve of my fortieth year, I
am discovering a number of revelations. Things that seem so
simple, that, it seems to me, should have been obvious to me much
sooner but I really was an emotionally retarded, deprieved
person. I am thankful that I am able to discover these things in
this life.

There's a rainbow on my wall. It makes me smile at life's
sweetness. It comes from my prism. I'm in love! I'm in love!
Hon, you're in love!

A.C.


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