June 1, 1995.

Hot, hot, hot. It is a sauna in my apartment. Maybe I'll go
play badmington with Gwenith, but I haven't heard from her yet.
I had lunch with my students today and met Aline and Denise at
the Cafe Jardin. Sent off my editing to Jean and am now entitled
to relax.

Want to start off on a new foot this June, write about different
things. Let's start now.

Relationships. Mine is over. What makes it over? I am getting
mean with Gilles when I am with him because I don't really want
to be with him. I want to break it off because I know I have to,
yet I don't want to because it changes my entire perspective on
life and it changes my entire life, my sons' lives, Gilles'
life... It changes absolutely everything. But, the bottom line
is it has to change. It can't stay that way because in my
dreams, I imagined it would be that way. In any case, did I ever
really imagine it to be that way? No. I never actually imagined
a constant man in my life when I was young. I remember imagining
children, already raised, and me tromping around the world, but
there was never any husband in sight in these dreams. At one
point, during my teenage years, I imagined a rather vague idea of
a man, a proper, well dressed, distinguished looking character,
British. And then, there was the rogue. I imagined myself
falling in love with a roguish type, laid back type, but all the
way through it, I never was attached to anyone. I went to a
party the other day and met a couple of old girlfriends who
talked of their old boyfriends and I realized no one could ever
say about me that I went out with whoever while I was in
highschool. I had a few short flings with several guys, but
never anything long standing. Same with my lovers; all very
short lived relationships; all except for Gilles. Amazing how it
is that I would have had a long standing relationship with the
only guy I wasn't in love with. For 19 years.

Reasons for it? There were many. The fact that I couldn't do
better than those around me. I don't think I would have married
had I not married Gilles. I would have become a specialist in
something or other but I was told frowned upon and asked who the
hell I thought I was to think that my life's destiny could be so
different from that of all those around me. I had little self
esteem and thought that it wasn't right to think I could achieve
something when no one else around me was going to achieve
anything other than the norm. Silly of me. What's wrong with
achieving anything? It really makes me chuckle today. So today,
20 years later, I am following my destiny, the road I was meant
to take. It's like in my recent dream. Two women are riding
bikes and weaving hemp into rope on the handle bars of their
bikes. They are each on a different road. One is concerned with
doing things for looks, the other is doing what she has to do
with no other thought behind her actions other than riding her
bike into the next town. The one is resentful of the other. She
starts stuffing a loaf of bread with all kinds of junk and trying
to make it look esthetically pleasing yet her bread is shit. It
would never be edible. The other makes a bread that is loose and
elastic; a bread that can smile.

Just before, in my dream, I was in a car with Gilles and he drove
it into the garbage can. I was naked and had lost all my clothes
through his fault. I was very much annoyed with him but I was at
the point I really didn't care anymore.

Significant? A relationship, into the garbage. Time to throw
away what's used, no longer useful and time to weave something
new. Time to get a "handle" on things: I'm weaving on the
handlebars and moving forward as I'm doing so.

I no longer wear my rings. Neither my wedding band nor
Fischel's. I find it hard. It makes me vulnerable. I don't
feel married anymore and that's exactly what's supposed to happen
but not being married makes me feel like I should be available
and I don't want to be. Probably never. That makes me chuckle
too. I will eventually fill my life in a way that fulfills me
and I don't think I would ever be fulfilled living with one man.
I could be wrong but for the moment, I won't be tied down. What
occasionally makes me yearn for a man are the same things I've
yearned for in my dreams. It's the idea society made me yearn
for. It is the house with the fine furniture and entertaining
facilities; the little well brought up family, clean, preppy-looking,
intelligent children; the trips here and there... Did
I ever really want those things except to fill the void I had
accepted when I accepted to let go of my destiny? I don't
believe I really cared about nice houses or things other than to
admire good craftmanship. I would have been content to roam
until I discovered my destiny. The bottom line is I don't want
to be tied down.

To fill the void and avoid my destiny, I had to do a lot of
things that went against my nature. I accepted to marry a man
whose eyes I didn't like. I wore a ring and wore it like a
talisman. I was now part of society the way everyone wanted me
to be and this band protected me from involvement with other men.
I now had to start this life I had chosen. The next logical step
was children. Another good way to satisfy society, to fulfill
the role I had chosen to play.

The loneliness that comes from not following your destiny is
incredible. It brings you to the brink of madness, of death.
Yet because you are allowing yourself to be molded by the
dictates of society and conforming, no one cares whether you are
dead or alive inside. In fact, they'd just as soon you be dead
than break the norm. Because when you do break that norm, you
are putting things into question and confronting them with their
own oftentime misery. How many friends have a hard time looking
at me today because they are wishing they could do what I have
done. But, they'll either go on bad-mouthing their husband or
the exact opposite, covering up the things they hate about him
all the while slipping in and out of depression. And the things
they hate about their husband is the way he reacts to their
depression, most often: his lack of concern, understanding,
patience, time, and all these faults he has developped because he
feels incapable of filling her needs, he demands; doesn't know
how to react to her depressed moods other then to spend less time
around her and so the vicious circle begins. She's resentful
because he's never home, nags, he spends less time home, she's
depressed because he doesn't seem to appreciate her anymore, lets
herself go, physically, emotionally, intellectually. He sees a
better product outside the home and falls for it.

Women still don't allow themselves to be much of anyone. We
still let everyone and everything around us dictate the rules.

Today, I am relatively free. No rings, no children, no husband,
no house or yard to clean. I write, listen to music, work, talk
to people, think, try to be a better person. There's still a lot
of work to done. A lot of mind exploring, soul searching but I'm
on the right track. Cigarette-free for two days now. I still
would like to smoke but have determined I do not have the time to
waste. Plus it stinks up my apartment.

Gwenith called but is so busy she can only play at 9:00. I am
going to die of heatrash before then. A.C.


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