May 31, 1995.

Lunch. Payday. Final review. Questions, questions in my mind.
About love, marriage, children, life, values, right and wrong,
what's best...

I wanted to smoke but I am out of cigarettes. It annoys me to be
out. It annoys me that I am annoyed. I will not buy another
pack though. I will do something else instead, spend the money
elsewhere, maybe at the YMCA, who knows, but I will do something
rather than sit in a little appartment and destroy my lungs.
What though? It makes me nervous. Study? Make love? Join a
committee? Open a restaurant? Travel? Smoking is so much
easier. I can see why people go to opium dens. You lie down and
forget that you are doing nothing with your life. You can't even
remember to feel guilty or mediocre, you just fly high.

I am nearing the end of my period and can feel the energy
surging. I am determined not to fantasize a week straight. I
don't know what I'm going to do but I am going to do something.

I feel helpless; like my life is a straight line going nowhere.
The end of the day will roll around, I'll come back to my
apartment, finish my editing, eat my soup, go bike riding; then
what? Write al little, about how life has changed, how kids
can't go out to play by themselves anymore. And then what? I'll
phone Daniele around 8:30, talk awhile, and then what? Phone
Denis and see if he wants to go for a drink? And then what?
Bed, another day of courses, and more of the same; wondering how
I can fill up my life. There's got to be more. How, where can I
find it?


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