May 15, 1995. (Monday)

Something has happened to me today. I don't quite know what, I
just know it happened. Like when it's time in your life for a
new phase. Nothing has changed around me, yet inside me, it
seems everything has. I wrote in my paper journal upon arriving
home tonight and I was very tired. I had a little nap and when I
awoke, somehow, things were different. I didn't go to my belly
dancing class, I haven't mooned over Steve, I haven't worked on
my revision for Jean, I made some batter for cookies but didn't
bake them because the thought of cookies suddenly made me sick...

I feel nearly as if I wasn't quite here. As if I was on another
plane. maybe I am. Christa is next to dead, we had a big scare
with Melanie who got a letter from the Canadian Red Cross saying
she was HIV +. It turned out to be negative on a second blood
test but it brought it home how near we all are to death. Gilles
told me he had been terrified for the boys the entire week,
thinking his goddaughter could possibly develop AIDS. If she
could, then, it was quite possible one of our boys eventually
could. I wasn't scared at all. I think I've been close to death
to often to fear it. I've always known it is a possibility my
boys could die prematurely and I think I've always been prepared
for thayt eventuality. I'm not saying I'm ready for it, I'm just
prepared. Sometimes, I'm surprised I've been lucky enough not to
have anything happen to them yet; nothing too major that is.
Maybe all my bad luck has run out and now, I'm on a stretch of
good luck. I feel that way. I feel incredibly lucky. I'm calm,
happy, not overly emotional in any way, just like I've come to a
crossroads in my life and the next stretch will be a enjoyable
one. I'm in love, but not desperately. I know what I want and
don't want. I won't have an affair. I think it's a cowardly
act. I realize that people having affairs can genuinely be in
love, but I don't have the time or energy to spend on covering up
my words and tracks. I've thought about Steve, the fact he's
married, wondered if I could prevent myself from succumbing to
his charm, to his energy if he were ever to come on to me. I
think it would be very difficult, but I think I would have to and
it would show my true strength. I know Steve has a good,
comfortable life, perhaps a little bit of a bourgeois life. I
don't think he is a bourgeois and maybe, just maybe he's tired of
living that life. One so easily gets bored. I was talking to
Carrie Lee the other day, and she was saying, going out for
dinner a couple of times a week, spending money on movies, good
times also becomes routine and you get bored; so you have a
child. Then, that gets routine, and you get up and move or have
another child, or do something else. It's quite true. I know
that's partly why I had children. Life has always been exciting
for me. Though I hated many parts of it, I can't say I was ever
bored. Steve doesn't have any children. I don't know if he
plans on having any. He's studying in education. I don't quite
see him as a teacher. I think he would be bored out of his tree
and I'm not sure he would have the necessary patience to endure
what teachers in today's society have to put up with. I
certainly couldn't. So, maybe Steve is bored and for the moment,
he sees something in me that intrigues him. He'd like to explore
it further, maybe not, but maybe so. We have things in common:
sense of humour, Indian and Inuit art, sense of adventure, I
think of him and my breathing becomes shorter. I know it would
be very difficult to resist him. Yet I don't want to carry on an
affair with a man who's not able to make up his mind. Even as I
write this, I have to laugh at myself. These judgements,
suppositions are rather futile. Who am I to kid myself. I don't
like the idea of someone getting hurt. I don't like the idea
that I would be another woman while the wife thinks everything is
fine under her roof. I do find the lying, inventing, alibis
petty and childish and I suppose I have no patience for that sort
of thing. I can think of other adventures I'd rather live.
There are also other men who perhaps wouldn't hold the same
attraction as Steve but who certainly must have their own charm.
I've let myself fall under a spell too quickly and maybe, just
maybe it's wearing off. I invent entire scenarios, love stories,
end and all and then, I'm too weary to play them out. A love
story is something I yearn for because I've never had it, just
like I've always yearned for a mother and never have had one.
I've come to the realization I will never have a mother and I am
managing to live with it. It hasn't been easy but I've managed.
I won't count on that inheritance. The pot of gold will come
from elsewhere. I think it will come from seeing my children
happy and successful, watching them grow, helping them out as
best as I can. I've distanced myself from them lately in a way I
never have. I've put aside my financial worries as far as
they're concerned. If Matts buys himself a Mustang with the gold
coins he found, then be it. It's money that fell from the sky so
why hoard it? I've hoarded so many things: feelings, love,
anger, fear, food, space, I closed myself and my environment off
to the world and it kept me from living. It killed me slowly,
bit by bit. Yes, admittedly, I did what I could with what I had.
I'm thankful that I got out when I did and allowed my children
the physical and emotional space necessary to live a healthy
life. It's a relief to have that at last. I'm more relaxed than
before. I'm sad too because it's made me realize how I cannot go
back to that existance. I told Steve that this had been a
transitional year and that I now know for a fact that I will
never again live in that family again the way I once did.
There's a peace that comes with all that though, like the peace
that comes after death.

There's something odd in the air. I sense it. I'm not sure. It
doesn't seem a sense of foreboding, something different. I feel
my stomach vibrating, everything quiet, something a little
abnormal. What can it be? Is it something to do with my family?
Is it something to do with my work, my future, with Edith ot with
Kay or Bob, or maybe Christa who's breathing her last breath. I
don't know. Maybe it's the committee who's trying to decide if I
am the best candidate for the job I applied for. It seems
stronger than that. Maybe it's my creative streak that's trying
to pierce through the layers and layers of protective armour I've
accumulated over the years. I just don't know but I sense
something strong happening to me, invading my whole being. It's
not frightening, it's making me slightly nauseous but I'm still
very calm. Maybe I'll just lie down on the floor and see what
comes. Maybe I'll read my cards and see what transpires. A.C.


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