I take my glasses off and I think of Mohammed. Just like he said
I would. What are you hiding he asked? So many things to hide,
from myself; things hidden so deep down I am not even able to
sort them out. I am concerned with the nature of things lately.
My first year philosophy professor would be proud of me. Or
would he be? He would threaten to give us his lecture on the
nature of things if we didn't ask questions. I asked very few.
Today though, I have hundreds. How can I fit into this world
more fully? I see myself as a collection of particles which it
seems to me should just naturally fit into the universe, like
everyone else around me. Yet so few people actually do
comfortably fit in. Why is that? If we could only master our
selves and flow naturally with our environment, it would be so
easy. However even nature has problems fitting in today. Is it
because we are neglecting to ask questions? Or is it simply that
we are asking the wrong ones? We are concerned with making money
more than we are with living. We have forgotten our objectives I
think. We want to improve our lot in life but we forget that to
do that, quality of life has to be good for all those concerned,
regardless of who we are, regardless of what has been bestowed
upon us at birth. We are not very accepting of others, of their
lack of ambition, their lack of intelligence, their lack of know
how, their lack of good looks. We concentrate on what they are
lacking rather than on what they have. Maybe it is the way we
are educated. I am trying to remember how I was educated. We
begin our lives as vessels to be filled hopefully with good
things. But we are encouraged to be docile, silent, not to make
too many waves; to follow the troupes without asking questions.
But someone has to ask questions. Someone at one point had to
ask questions to be able to come up with the theory that it was
better for the masses to be unconscious. It does create chaos
when someone is more curious than the norm. It also lowers the
level of comfort, creates fear and with fear, we are back at
chaos. But chaos is not necessarily bad. It begs to be more or
less organized in order to lead to positive changes which will
also eventually lead to new questions, more chaos and on and on.
The masses prefer resisting change though and that is because
they are bred on fear. The ultimate fear perhaps is death though
and is it so bad? People, all things in nature are resilient and
we find means of overcoming those fears if we are taught to see
them as growing factors. We can subsist with so little in the
end. We can overcome so many odds: lack of love, lack of
comfort, e.g. food, money, shelter, warmth of the emotional and
physical kind. Sometimes, we perish, granted. But much in the
world lives on and more or less adapts to the given conditions.
Some of us draw strength and knowledge from having had to make do
with little. Some of us multiply the little we have to the point
we can share it and make it grow even more.
So many people have talents that stagnate because of fear. It is
my wish that all those talents be pooled to create a harmonious
and more accepting world.
Why do we thrive so much on pettiness, on making the other person
look or feel bad? I do it all the time with my children. Why is
a spill on the tablecloth a reason to speak harshly to someone,
to humiliate a person in the process of learning to be human?
How can I expect someone to have compassion for others, to be
accepting of others when that spot suddenly takes on such grand
importance. It doesn't make any sense at all. It's misdirected
anger I'm told. But it has to stop and I have to work at
stopping it. There have got to be ways that I am not aware of.
Olaying on guilt is certainly not a solution. Screaming, beating
children neither. Group therapy, support groups, talking about
the problem, admitting there is a problem are steps in the right
direction but I find we haven't gotten beyond that yet. Possibly
somewhere in the world there are people who are working on
concrete measures which bring about positive action but I am not
aware of them and from what I see around me in society it is
minimal. I'm not sure how I can contribute but I am searching.
I've sown the seed among friends and we plan on getting together
to act upon ideas, anything but I am convinced something has to
be done. Perhaps I have to send out vibes like I've done before
in other circumstances so that the right people will converge to
take action. That is where I am at today. I have at least lost
my fear of picking up the phone and reaching out for what it is I
am looking for. I am beginning to speak out more. I am learning
more tact, learning to negotiate and I am making progress. It is
encouraging.
AC
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Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
April 25, 1995.
I am thinking a lot about my children lately. I can't get them
out of my mind. I am also letting go of them slowly, but in a
healthy way. Yet it worries me. I get the feeling something
will happen to them and I fear I will not forgive myself if
something did. I've told myself that I have to make a determined
effort to ignore what other people say. People have been coming
up to me and saying that my children are ... they do not dare
come out and tell me that they are bad but they say things like:
they don't have enough supervision. They are not a good
influence on other children. They are not motivated enough.
They will not amount to anything. The more they say negative
things, the angrier I become yet the more I believe in them and
know they will succeed. I am beginning to change my attitude
toward them and have confidence in them though I constantly worry
about them. I look around at people I admire, people who through
the ages have been successes in life; I look at myself, and what
I admire, is the spunk we all had in common. I admire the
independant spirit, the critical thought, the spirit of adventure
and those are things that all my children have. There are things
I want to do in life, but I am ready to put them off until the
children are older. Nicolas and Matthieu are still too young for
me to devote myself to too many activities. It feels good to
have your priorities fall into place. I was thinking of studying
foreign affairs, but it will have to be put off yet another few
years. I have had my chance at life and although it hasn't been
all I had hoped for, it certainly has been far from dull and it's
had its exhilerating moments. I want them to know I support
their development, even if I can't be part of that development
full-time. For the moment, I can devote myself to my work, my
teaching, my ideas, my writing, even if it is mostly journal
writing. As I read back into the past, I see there are valuable
things I have set down on paper; things I have lived, I have
learned, I have explored. They are thoughts I believe are shared
by many women of my generation and perhaps even of women of past
generations. Maybe one day they will be of value to someone. I
can only hope so. This on going diary is finally my life's work.
It is something I have never given up on. I've worked on it for
over thirty years and it has merit, not only for me but for my
children and for theirs. I think it has value now already, that
it does have elements that could eventually lead to publication.
It's just that I don't yet have a subjective view of how it could
be done. There is a creative element missing. It's all there,
on paper but it hasn't come together. I had hoped that for my
fortieth birthday, something would be born but I've learned not
to establish artificial deadlines. If it hasn't happened, it is
because the timing is not yet right. Patience is an art I have
not yet mastered and I sometimes wonder if I ever will.
The past year has been a transitional one and I have to come to
grips with the fact that I can't do it all at the same time.
I've embarked on a new career, have studied abroad, have had my
first affair, short lived as it was. I've moved out on my own
for the first time in my life, have had to come to terms with not
living with my children, not living up to people's expectations.
I've seen my brother near the brink of death, seen a favorite
sister-in-law slowly die of cancer. I've explored love and am
still trying to come to terms with its moral, emotional, mental
and physical implications. I'm trying to meld all these aspects
in my life. I'm trying not to be so black and white. And I think
I am slowly, slowly succeeding. The voyage is far from over but
there are some days when I am moving ahead and fortunately, not
too many when I'm am backtracking. It's slightly encouraging.
A.C.
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out of my mind. I am also letting go of them slowly, but in a
healthy way. Yet it worries me. I get the feeling something
will happen to them and I fear I will not forgive myself if
something did. I've told myself that I have to make a determined
effort to ignore what other people say. People have been coming
up to me and saying that my children are ... they do not dare
come out and tell me that they are bad but they say things like:
they don't have enough supervision. They are not a good
influence on other children. They are not motivated enough.
They will not amount to anything. The more they say negative
things, the angrier I become yet the more I believe in them and
know they will succeed. I am beginning to change my attitude
toward them and have confidence in them though I constantly worry
about them. I look around at people I admire, people who through
the ages have been successes in life; I look at myself, and what
I admire, is the spunk we all had in common. I admire the
independant spirit, the critical thought, the spirit of adventure
and those are things that all my children have. There are things
I want to do in life, but I am ready to put them off until the
children are older. Nicolas and Matthieu are still too young for
me to devote myself to too many activities. It feels good to
have your priorities fall into place. I was thinking of studying
foreign affairs, but it will have to be put off yet another few
years. I have had my chance at life and although it hasn't been
all I had hoped for, it certainly has been far from dull and it's
had its exhilerating moments. I want them to know I support
their development, even if I can't be part of that development
full-time. For the moment, I can devote myself to my work, my
teaching, my ideas, my writing, even if it is mostly journal
writing. As I read back into the past, I see there are valuable
things I have set down on paper; things I have lived, I have
learned, I have explored. They are thoughts I believe are shared
by many women of my generation and perhaps even of women of past
generations. Maybe one day they will be of value to someone. I
can only hope so. This on going diary is finally my life's work.
It is something I have never given up on. I've worked on it for
over thirty years and it has merit, not only for me but for my
children and for theirs. I think it has value now already, that
it does have elements that could eventually lead to publication.
It's just that I don't yet have a subjective view of how it could
be done. There is a creative element missing. It's all there,
on paper but it hasn't come together. I had hoped that for my
fortieth birthday, something would be born but I've learned not
to establish artificial deadlines. If it hasn't happened, it is
because the timing is not yet right. Patience is an art I have
not yet mastered and I sometimes wonder if I ever will.
The past year has been a transitional one and I have to come to
grips with the fact that I can't do it all at the same time.
I've embarked on a new career, have studied abroad, have had my
first affair, short lived as it was. I've moved out on my own
for the first time in my life, have had to come to terms with not
living with my children, not living up to people's expectations.
I've seen my brother near the brink of death, seen a favorite
sister-in-law slowly die of cancer. I've explored love and am
still trying to come to terms with its moral, emotional, mental
and physical implications. I'm trying to meld all these aspects
in my life. I'm trying not to be so black and white. And I think
I am slowly, slowly succeeding. The voyage is far from over but
there are some days when I am moving ahead and fortunately, not
too many when I'm am backtracking. It's slightly encouraging.
A.C.
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Tuesday, December 11, 2007
April 20, 1995.
I hate being so weak spined. My life has so little direction. I
go to work, come back, dance a little, listen to a little music,
sometimes I write in my jouranal or write a letter or two.
Sometimes I read my tarot cards or consult the I Ching. I
prepare my courses. I talk on the phone, catch a movie or two,
eat a bit, walk a bit, meet friends here and there. But all
through it all, I sense I am not attached to this life. I
suppose I could say I'm not grounded. I fantasize all too much
as far as I'm concerned. Not in a true negative sense. I don't
believe in my fantasies. I'm not saying I would not like to
believe in them but I'm lucid enough to separate fact from
fiction. What I don't like is that I know I'm wasting my time
fantasizing about my love life. It won't make anything happen.
I know that and that's why I am sorry to be so weak spined.
Instead of spending my energy doing constructive things, I
daydream about impossible situations and whether I want to admit
it or not, I do wish some of these things would come true.
Yet, I'm not quite made for domestic life. For the past few
days, I've been thinking of baking a cake but it seems so useless
and a waste of time. I'll probably let all the ingredients go to
waste before I ever get around to baking it. Today, I was
talking to a navigator who was explaining his job to me. What a
challenge! I thought. There was strategy involved; daring,
intelligence. It was a good mixture of brains, guts and
strenght. Teaching French seemed rather insipid as I was talking
to him. Especially since I always wanted to be a foreign and war
correspondant or work in Foreign Affairs. But am I doing
anything to direct myself toward a career of the kind? Well,
yes. I went to university the other day and got the list of
courses necessary for a major in international affairs. I could
register immediately for the course, for a course of any kind but
I don't know if I have the gumption, stamina... The thought of
being forced to study appeals to me and doesn't. I think I'm
tired of working so hard. If I could study and have the same
standard of living without having to teach so many hours, I would
probably not hesitate. I would find it enjoyable to hang around
university. Sleepless nights just don't appeal to me anymore. I
no longer have the stamina I once had. I tire easily, I look
like hell if I don't have 6 hours of sleep. I know that I should
actually have 8 but it's just not possible at this time and I
don't know if it will ever be.
I lack stimulation of all sorts but I don't know where to get it.
It was fun talking to Steve. I wished it could have lasted
longer. It was odd. He was talking about strategy, about always
having to be one step ahead of the submarine captain's moves
and all of a sudden, I got a flashback of my pilot dream in which
he was talking to me about the
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go to work, come back, dance a little, listen to a little music,
sometimes I write in my jouranal or write a letter or two.
Sometimes I read my tarot cards or consult the I Ching. I
prepare my courses. I talk on the phone, catch a movie or two,
eat a bit, walk a bit, meet friends here and there. But all
through it all, I sense I am not attached to this life. I
suppose I could say I'm not grounded. I fantasize all too much
as far as I'm concerned. Not in a true negative sense. I don't
believe in my fantasies. I'm not saying I would not like to
believe in them but I'm lucid enough to separate fact from
fiction. What I don't like is that I know I'm wasting my time
fantasizing about my love life. It won't make anything happen.
I know that and that's why I am sorry to be so weak spined.
Instead of spending my energy doing constructive things, I
daydream about impossible situations and whether I want to admit
it or not, I do wish some of these things would come true.
Yet, I'm not quite made for domestic life. For the past few
days, I've been thinking of baking a cake but it seems so useless
and a waste of time. I'll probably let all the ingredients go to
waste before I ever get around to baking it. Today, I was
talking to a navigator who was explaining his job to me. What a
challenge! I thought. There was strategy involved; daring,
intelligence. It was a good mixture of brains, guts and
strenght. Teaching French seemed rather insipid as I was talking
to him. Especially since I always wanted to be a foreign and war
correspondant or work in Foreign Affairs. But am I doing
anything to direct myself toward a career of the kind? Well,
yes. I went to university the other day and got the list of
courses necessary for a major in international affairs. I could
register immediately for the course, for a course of any kind but
I don't know if I have the gumption, stamina... The thought of
being forced to study appeals to me and doesn't. I think I'm
tired of working so hard. If I could study and have the same
standard of living without having to teach so many hours, I would
probably not hesitate. I would find it enjoyable to hang around
university. Sleepless nights just don't appeal to me anymore. I
no longer have the stamina I once had. I tire easily, I look
like hell if I don't have 6 hours of sleep. I know that I should
actually have 8 but it's just not possible at this time and I
don't know if it will ever be.
I lack stimulation of all sorts but I don't know where to get it.
It was fun talking to Steve. I wished it could have lasted
longer. It was odd. He was talking about strategy, about always
having to be one step ahead of the submarine captain's moves
and all of a sudden, I got a flashback of my pilot dream in which
he was talking to me about the
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Friday, December 7, 2007
April 17, 1995 (Letter to Natalie)
This post was originally written in French. I have posted the original French copy of the file here, but have provided an English Babelfish translation below it.
Original French version:
le 17 avril 1995.
ChÀ/Àre Natalie,
Je t'À)Àcris sur ordinateur parce que je deviens paresseuse en
vieillissant. Ca fait longtemps que j'aurais dÀEÀ t'À)Àcrire, mais
que veux©tu? J'ai travaillÀ)À comme une folle ces derniers mois,
entre l'enseignement et la traduction À!À la pige et maintenant, À'Àa
ralentit un peu alors j'en profite.
Alors, oÀIÀ commencer? Evidemment, tu sais que je ne suis plus
avec Gilles. Ca fait maintenant presque 6 mois que j'ai quittÀ)À
la maison et je commence À!À m'habituer À!À ma situation. C'est trÀ/Às
bizarre comme situation. Je suis mariÀ)Àe mais je ne vis plus avec
mon mari. Je ne vis plus avec mes enfants alors À'Àa crÀ)Àe des
conflits entre moi et les enfants. Mais je commence À!À voir plus
clair en ce qui concerne certaines choses. J'ai toujours su que
Gilles et moi nous À)Àtions trÀ/Às diffÀ)Àrent mais j'ai toujours eu
espoir que nous rÀ)Àussirions À!À concilier nos diffÀ)Àrences.
Malheureusement, nos diffÀ)Àrences semblent s'accentuer avec l'À Àge
et je me rends finalement compte qu'il nous est impossible
d'arriver À!À des compromis sans nuire À!À la personnalitÀ)À de
l'autre. Une des questions sur lesquelles on arrive pas du tout
À!À s'entendre c'est la faÀ'Àon d'À)Àlever des enfants. Moi j'ai
l'impression que je me suis tellement compromise en ce qui
concerne cette question qu'il ne reste plus aucune de mes valeurs
chez mes enfants. Ca me fruste À)ÀnormÀ)Àment. Gilles, lui, a
plutÀ=Àt une attitude de laissez©faire et il a confiance que tout
va bien se passer, qu'on a juste besoin de les aimer, d'avoir
confiance en eux. Juste y penser me rend folle! Ils peuvent
rentrer quand ils veulent sans consÀ)Àquences, ils peuvent dÀ)ÀsobÀ)Àir
sans consÀ)Àquences, ils peuvent irrespectueux avec moi parce que
j'exige des consÀ)Àquences, sans consÀ)Àquences... C'À)Àtait quelque
chose que je ne pouvais plus accepter et mes deux options c'À)Àtait
soit jeter Gilles en dehors de la maison ou de partir moi©mÀ+Àme.
Je regrette souvent de n'avoir pas jeter Gilles en dehors de la
maison. Je pense qu'un jour mes garÀ'Àons vont regretter de ne pas
avoir À)ÀtÀ)À poussÀ)Às un peu plus fort et de ne pas avoir À)ÀtÀ)À un peu
plus disciplinÀ)Às. J'ai peut©À+Àtre tort. Si oui, tant mieux. En
attendant, je travaille trÀ/Às fort. J'apprends beaucoup au niveau
de l'enseignement en trÀ/Às peu de temps, ce qui est bien parce que
je commence un peu tard. J'essaie de m'À)Àtablir, financiÀ/Àrement,
matÀ)Àriellement sans que les enfants aient À!À en souffrir mais je
dois travailler assez fort et je ne sais pas toujours si je me
dirige dans la bonne direction.
h)
J'ai vu Normand Dombroski l'autre jour. Il fÀ+Àtait son 50e
anniversaire et son frÀ/Àre a appelÀ)À un tas d'amis pour qu'on se
rencontre au restaurant pour le fÀ+Àter. Normand est maintenant À!À
Hull et il travaille pour le gouvernement fÀ)ÀdÀ)Àral À!À Ottawa. On
s'est bien amusÀ)À. Lorraine Davidson À)Àtait lÀ!À et quelques autres
personnes que je n'avais pas vues depuis longtemps.
A part À'Àa, pas grand chose de neuf. Hier, c'À)Àtait PÀ Àques. J'ai
mangÀ)À moins de chocolat que d'habitude mais c'À)Àtait quand mÀ+Àme
trop. Je vois que je vieillis. J'ai vu un ami autrichien que je
n'avais pas vu depuis 19 ans et j'ai un peu pratiquÀ)À mon
allemand. Je t'assure qu'il À)Àtait rouillÀ)À (mais il À)Àtait quand
mÀ+Àme mieux que son anglais ou franÀ'Àais).
Le printemps est arrivÀ)À À!À Winnipeg je pense. Il fait beau. Je
crois que je vais sortir ma bicyclette. Il faut dire qu'À!À part
monter et descendre les escaliers chez moi, je n'ai pas beaucoup
d'exercice. Ce n'est pas tout À!À fait vrai. Je marche beaucoup
moins qu'autrefois, mais je joue au badmington presque chaque
jeudi et j'ai repris des cours de À Àbelly©dancingÀ
À depuis quelques
mois.
Je ne sais pas si je me rendrai À!À Vancouver cet À)ÀtÀ)À. J'ai comme
l'impression que non. J'ai une amie qui cÀ)ÀlÀ/Àbre son 40e
anniversaire À!À Calgary le 21 juillet et son mari veut lui faire
un surprise party alors je viendrais peut©À+Àtre quelques jours À!À
Calgary juste pour À'Àa. Tu me laisseras savoir si tu dÀ)ÀmÀ)Ànages et
si j'y vais, j'essayerai de venir te voir, soi À!À Saskatoon, soi À!À
Calgary.
Je te quitte. Donne©moi de tes nouvelles. J'espÀ/Àre que tout se
passe bien pour toi dans ton coin. J'À)Àtais bien contente quand
tu as appelÀ)À aprÀ/Às NoÀ-Àl. C'est dommage que j'avais un cours et
que j'ai dÀEÀ couper À'Àa court.
Bon! A la prochaine et bon printemps!
Salut, gros becs et tout le reste!
English Babelfish Translation:
April 17, 1995.
Dear Natalie,
I you ecris on computer because I become lazy into growing old. Ca makes a long time that I would have di you ecrire, but what do you want? I have work like insane a these last month, between teaching and the translation has the measuring rod and now, Ca slows down a little then I benefit from it.
Then, or to start? Obviously, you know that I am not any more with Gilles. Ca makes now almost 6 months that I have leave the house and I start has to accustom me has my situation. It is very odd like situation. I am mariee but I do not live any more with my husband. I do not live any more with my children then Ca cree of the conflicts between me and the children. But I start has to see more clearly with regard to certain things. I always knew that Gilles and I us etions very different but I always had hope which we reussirions has to reconcile our differences. Unfortunately, our differences seem to be accentuated with the age and I realize finally that it is impossible for us to arrive has compromises without harming has the personality of the other. One of the questions about which one arrives at all has to mean it is the way of elever children. Me I have the impression that I compromised myself so much with regard to this question which there remains any more none of my values in my children. Rough Ca me enormously. Gilles, adopts rather an attitude to him leave-to make and it has confidence that all well will occur, that one has right need to like them, to rely on them. Right to think of it returns to me insane! They can return when they want without consequences, they can desobeir without consequences, they can disrespectful with me because I require consequences, without consequences... It etait something which I could not accept any more and my two options it etait is to throw Gilles apart from the house or to leave myself. I often regret not having not to throw Gilles apart from the house. I think that one day my boys will a little more extremely regret not having ete growths and not to have ete a little more disciplines. I am perhaps wrong. If so, so much better. While waiting, I work very extremely. I learn much on the level from teaching in very little time, which is well because I start a little late. I try to etablir me, financially, materiellement without the children having has to suffer from it but I must work rather extremely and I always do not know if I move in the good direction.
I saw Norman Dombroski the other day. It fetait its 50e birthday and his/her brother has appele a heap of friends so that one meets at the restaurant for the feter. Norman is now has Hull and it works for the federal government has Ottawa. One is well amuses. Lorraine Davidson etait it and some other people whom I had not seen for a long time.
With share Ca, not large thing of nine. Yesterday, it etait Peques. I have eat less chocolate than usually but it etait when same too much. I see that I age. I saw an Austrian friend whom I had not seen for 19 years and I have a little practical my German. I ensure you that it etait rust (but it etait when same better than its English or French).
Spring east arrives has Winnipeg I think. The weather is nice. I believe that I will leave my bicycle. It should be said that has share to climb and descend at home, I do not have much exercise. It is not completely true. I walk much less than formerly, but I play the badmington almost each Thursday and I have taken again courses of belly-dance hall for a few months.
I do not know if I will go has Vancouver this ete. I have like the impression that not. I have a friend who celebre her 40e birthday has Calgary on July 21 and her husband wants to make him a surprise party then I would perhaps come a few days has Calgary right for Ca. You will let to me know if you demenages and if I there go, I try to come to see you, oneself has Saskatoon, oneself has Calgary.
I leave you. Give me your news. I espere that all occurs well for you in your corner. I etais well satisfy when you have appele after Christmas. It is a pity which I had a course and which I have di to cut Ca runs.
Good! At the next one and good spring!
Hello, large nozzles and all the remainder!
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Original French version:
le 17 avril 1995.
ChÀ/Àre Natalie,
Je t'À)Àcris sur ordinateur parce que je deviens paresseuse en
vieillissant. Ca fait longtemps que j'aurais dÀEÀ t'À)Àcrire, mais
que veux©tu? J'ai travaillÀ)À comme une folle ces derniers mois,
entre l'enseignement et la traduction À!À la pige et maintenant, À'Àa
ralentit un peu alors j'en profite.
Alors, oÀIÀ commencer? Evidemment, tu sais que je ne suis plus
avec Gilles. Ca fait maintenant presque 6 mois que j'ai quittÀ)À
la maison et je commence À!À m'habituer À!À ma situation. C'est trÀ/Às
bizarre comme situation. Je suis mariÀ)Àe mais je ne vis plus avec
mon mari. Je ne vis plus avec mes enfants alors À'Àa crÀ)Àe des
conflits entre moi et les enfants. Mais je commence À!À voir plus
clair en ce qui concerne certaines choses. J'ai toujours su que
Gilles et moi nous À)Àtions trÀ/Às diffÀ)Àrent mais j'ai toujours eu
espoir que nous rÀ)Àussirions À!À concilier nos diffÀ)Àrences.
Malheureusement, nos diffÀ)Àrences semblent s'accentuer avec l'À Àge
et je me rends finalement compte qu'il nous est impossible
d'arriver À!À des compromis sans nuire À!À la personnalitÀ)À de
l'autre. Une des questions sur lesquelles on arrive pas du tout
À!À s'entendre c'est la faÀ'Àon d'À)Àlever des enfants. Moi j'ai
l'impression que je me suis tellement compromise en ce qui
concerne cette question qu'il ne reste plus aucune de mes valeurs
chez mes enfants. Ca me fruste À)ÀnormÀ)Àment. Gilles, lui, a
plutÀ=Àt une attitude de laissez©faire et il a confiance que tout
va bien se passer, qu'on a juste besoin de les aimer, d'avoir
confiance en eux. Juste y penser me rend folle! Ils peuvent
rentrer quand ils veulent sans consÀ)Àquences, ils peuvent dÀ)ÀsobÀ)Àir
sans consÀ)Àquences, ils peuvent irrespectueux avec moi parce que
j'exige des consÀ)Àquences, sans consÀ)Àquences... C'À)Àtait quelque
chose que je ne pouvais plus accepter et mes deux options c'À)Àtait
soit jeter Gilles en dehors de la maison ou de partir moi©mÀ+Àme.
Je regrette souvent de n'avoir pas jeter Gilles en dehors de la
maison. Je pense qu'un jour mes garÀ'Àons vont regretter de ne pas
avoir À)ÀtÀ)À poussÀ)Às un peu plus fort et de ne pas avoir À)ÀtÀ)À un peu
plus disciplinÀ)Às. J'ai peut©À+Àtre tort. Si oui, tant mieux. En
attendant, je travaille trÀ/Às fort. J'apprends beaucoup au niveau
de l'enseignement en trÀ/Às peu de temps, ce qui est bien parce que
je commence un peu tard. J'essaie de m'À)Àtablir, financiÀ/Àrement,
matÀ)Àriellement sans que les enfants aient À!À en souffrir mais je
dois travailler assez fort et je ne sais pas toujours si je me
dirige dans la bonne direction.
h)
J'ai vu Normand Dombroski l'autre jour. Il fÀ+Àtait son 50e
anniversaire et son frÀ/Àre a appelÀ)À un tas d'amis pour qu'on se
rencontre au restaurant pour le fÀ+Àter. Normand est maintenant À!À
Hull et il travaille pour le gouvernement fÀ)ÀdÀ)Àral À!À Ottawa. On
s'est bien amusÀ)À. Lorraine Davidson À)Àtait lÀ!À et quelques autres
personnes que je n'avais pas vues depuis longtemps.
A part À'Àa, pas grand chose de neuf. Hier, c'À)Àtait PÀ Àques. J'ai
mangÀ)À moins de chocolat que d'habitude mais c'À)Àtait quand mÀ+Àme
trop. Je vois que je vieillis. J'ai vu un ami autrichien que je
n'avais pas vu depuis 19 ans et j'ai un peu pratiquÀ)À mon
allemand. Je t'assure qu'il À)Àtait rouillÀ)À (mais il À)Àtait quand
mÀ+Àme mieux que son anglais ou franÀ'Àais).
Le printemps est arrivÀ)À À!À Winnipeg je pense. Il fait beau. Je
crois que je vais sortir ma bicyclette. Il faut dire qu'À!À part
monter et descendre les escaliers chez moi, je n'ai pas beaucoup
d'exercice. Ce n'est pas tout À!À fait vrai. Je marche beaucoup
moins qu'autrefois, mais je joue au badmington presque chaque
jeudi et j'ai repris des cours de À Àbelly©dancingÀ
À depuis quelques
mois.
Je ne sais pas si je me rendrai À!À Vancouver cet À)ÀtÀ)À. J'ai comme
l'impression que non. J'ai une amie qui cÀ)ÀlÀ/Àbre son 40e
anniversaire À!À Calgary le 21 juillet et son mari veut lui faire
un surprise party alors je viendrais peut©À+Àtre quelques jours À!À
Calgary juste pour À'Àa. Tu me laisseras savoir si tu dÀ)ÀmÀ)Ànages et
si j'y vais, j'essayerai de venir te voir, soi À!À Saskatoon, soi À!À
Calgary.
Je te quitte. Donne©moi de tes nouvelles. J'espÀ/Àre que tout se
passe bien pour toi dans ton coin. J'À)Àtais bien contente quand
tu as appelÀ)À aprÀ/Às NoÀ-Àl. C'est dommage que j'avais un cours et
que j'ai dÀEÀ couper À'Àa court.
Bon! A la prochaine et bon printemps!
Salut, gros becs et tout le reste!
English Babelfish Translation:
April 17, 1995.
Dear Natalie,
I you ecris on computer because I become lazy into growing old. Ca makes a long time that I would have di you ecrire, but what do you want? I have work like insane a these last month, between teaching and the translation has the measuring rod and now, Ca slows down a little then I benefit from it.
Then, or to start? Obviously, you know that I am not any more with Gilles. Ca makes now almost 6 months that I have leave the house and I start has to accustom me has my situation. It is very odd like situation. I am mariee but I do not live any more with my husband. I do not live any more with my children then Ca cree of the conflicts between me and the children. But I start has to see more clearly with regard to certain things. I always knew that Gilles and I us etions very different but I always had hope which we reussirions has to reconcile our differences. Unfortunately, our differences seem to be accentuated with the age and I realize finally that it is impossible for us to arrive has compromises without harming has the personality of the other. One of the questions about which one arrives at all has to mean it is the way of elever children. Me I have the impression that I compromised myself so much with regard to this question which there remains any more none of my values in my children. Rough Ca me enormously. Gilles, adopts rather an attitude to him leave-to make and it has confidence that all well will occur, that one has right need to like them, to rely on them. Right to think of it returns to me insane! They can return when they want without consequences, they can desobeir without consequences, they can disrespectful with me because I require consequences, without consequences... It etait something which I could not accept any more and my two options it etait is to throw Gilles apart from the house or to leave myself. I often regret not having not to throw Gilles apart from the house. I think that one day my boys will a little more extremely regret not having ete growths and not to have ete a little more disciplines. I am perhaps wrong. If so, so much better. While waiting, I work very extremely. I learn much on the level from teaching in very little time, which is well because I start a little late. I try to etablir me, financially, materiellement without the children having has to suffer from it but I must work rather extremely and I always do not know if I move in the good direction.
I saw Norman Dombroski the other day. It fetait its 50e birthday and his/her brother has appele a heap of friends so that one meets at the restaurant for the feter. Norman is now has Hull and it works for the federal government has Ottawa. One is well amuses. Lorraine Davidson etait it and some other people whom I had not seen for a long time.
With share Ca, not large thing of nine. Yesterday, it etait Peques. I have eat less chocolate than usually but it etait when same too much. I see that I age. I saw an Austrian friend whom I had not seen for 19 years and I have a little practical my German. I ensure you that it etait rust (but it etait when same better than its English or French).
Spring east arrives has Winnipeg I think. The weather is nice. I believe that I will leave my bicycle. It should be said that has share to climb and descend at home, I do not have much exercise. It is not completely true. I walk much less than formerly, but I play the badmington almost each Thursday and I have taken again courses of belly-dance hall for a few months.
I do not know if I will go has Vancouver this ete. I have like the impression that not. I have a friend who celebre her 40e birthday has Calgary on July 21 and her husband wants to make him a surprise party then I would perhaps come a few days has Calgary right for Ca. You will let to me know if you demenages and if I there go, I try to come to see you, oneself has Saskatoon, oneself has Calgary.
I leave you. Give me your news. I espere that all occurs well for you in your corner. I etais well satisfy when you have appele after Christmas. It is a pity which I had a course and which I have di to cut Ca runs.
Good! At the next one and good spring!
Hello, large nozzles and all the remainder!
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Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Love
How can it be that you can have such a difficult time loving
someone you so much would like to love? It is not always through
lack of effort. How important is that fizz? It sounds so
stupid; just plain stupid. Yet through the ages, people have
forever been associating themselves with people for whom they
physically have little in common with. Tenderness is very
important but is it enough? And how is it that in a couple, one
person can be so physically attracted to the other and not the
other way around? Why are relationships so complex? Is that
waht dedication is all about? Is that what sacrifice is all
about? Is it normal to sacrifice your wants during an entire
lifetime for something more noble than physical needs? If there
is an afterlife, if we do have more than one life, then perhaps.
But what an extreme sacrifice.
What about courage? What about the self? Should we be forever
enslaved to our choices even though we at one point realize they
weren't necessarily the right ones? And perhaps at the time,
they were the right choices but for reasons beyond our control,
the options have changed. Or perhaps, the reasons are not
totally beyond our control but we have grown up, changed, grown
more knowledgeable, wiser and we realize there are other possible
options. What about feelings? Hurting people. Should we once
again sacrifice certain aspects of our lives for a better cause?
Should we simply live with our decisions and strive to channel
our sexual energy toward causes that could improve the quality of
life in our society? Is it even human to consider such actions?
such questions? Is it striving for the impossible? Is it normal
or is it thinking we are better than others? How do you
conciliate a family, ideals, high ideals with those kinds of
actions? It is idealistic to strive for such things. Humans are
so fallible. With such high ideals, we are setting ourselves up
for an extremely difficult path with a lot of risk of failure.
Would it not show more courage to throw in the towel and say to
someone: I do not love you the way that you love me, I do not
mean to hurt you but I feel we must part and pursue the chance of
a more fulfilling life. But the other person doesn't care
whether or not you love him or her in the same way he or she
loves you. That is why you have come together to begin with.
They have been ready to accept what you have been, are able to
give, in whatever amount, whatever the risks for the joy or
whatever of being with you. What are your the implications in
all of this? The same kind of committment does not exist within
the two parties. What do you do about temptation? Is that where
the challenge lies? Is that what leadership qualities are all
about? One struggles with temptation and if one is strong
enough, one resists for the greater good. In principle, it is
clear that that is what one must do. In practice, it is a next
to impossible feat. And finally, why would anyone even want to
strive for such next to impossible ideals? It seems like the
life of a monk. Is it rewarding? Does it even matter whether or
not it's rewarding when you consider it in a bigger picture?
I really don't know if I am made of the kind of stuff that is
necessary to consider such options. AC
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someone you so much would like to love? It is not always through
lack of effort. How important is that fizz? It sounds so
stupid; just plain stupid. Yet through the ages, people have
forever been associating themselves with people for whom they
physically have little in common with. Tenderness is very
important but is it enough? And how is it that in a couple, one
person can be so physically attracted to the other and not the
other way around? Why are relationships so complex? Is that
waht dedication is all about? Is that what sacrifice is all
about? Is it normal to sacrifice your wants during an entire
lifetime for something more noble than physical needs? If there
is an afterlife, if we do have more than one life, then perhaps.
But what an extreme sacrifice.
What about courage? What about the self? Should we be forever
enslaved to our choices even though we at one point realize they
weren't necessarily the right ones? And perhaps at the time,
they were the right choices but for reasons beyond our control,
the options have changed. Or perhaps, the reasons are not
totally beyond our control but we have grown up, changed, grown
more knowledgeable, wiser and we realize there are other possible
options. What about feelings? Hurting people. Should we once
again sacrifice certain aspects of our lives for a better cause?
Should we simply live with our decisions and strive to channel
our sexual energy toward causes that could improve the quality of
life in our society? Is it even human to consider such actions?
such questions? Is it striving for the impossible? Is it normal
or is it thinking we are better than others? How do you
conciliate a family, ideals, high ideals with those kinds of
actions? It is idealistic to strive for such things. Humans are
so fallible. With such high ideals, we are setting ourselves up
for an extremely difficult path with a lot of risk of failure.
Would it not show more courage to throw in the towel and say to
someone: I do not love you the way that you love me, I do not
mean to hurt you but I feel we must part and pursue the chance of
a more fulfilling life. But the other person doesn't care
whether or not you love him or her in the same way he or she
loves you. That is why you have come together to begin with.
They have been ready to accept what you have been, are able to
give, in whatever amount, whatever the risks for the joy or
whatever of being with you. What are your the implications in
all of this? The same kind of committment does not exist within
the two parties. What do you do about temptation? Is that where
the challenge lies? Is that what leadership qualities are all
about? One struggles with temptation and if one is strong
enough, one resists for the greater good. In principle, it is
clear that that is what one must do. In practice, it is a next
to impossible feat. And finally, why would anyone even want to
strive for such next to impossible ideals? It seems like the
life of a monk. Is it rewarding? Does it even matter whether or
not it's rewarding when you consider it in a bigger picture?
I really don't know if I am made of the kind of stuff that is
necessary to consider such options. AC
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Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Time To Speak
It was time to speak to him again. Nearly twenty years had
passed since his death and it had been perhaps fifteen years
since she'd last spoken to him. But now the time was ripe.
I never did accept what you said to me in that dream the time you
came to me a few months after your death. You were going to find
someone for me! How dare you? I loved someone then, deeply,
passionately. But of course, you and Mom couln't accept him.
You never said a word about how you felt about him while you were
still alive, but then in death, you nonchalantly let me know
"you're going to find me someone. Don't worry about it"
Worry about it? I wasn't worried for a minute. I wasn't in the
least looking for a man. Nineteen years old, with hardly a
relationship under my belt, still a virgin, I wanted adventure,
affairs, passion.
Another couple of months down the line, and I meet a man with
whom I'm totally incompatible. I mean, I'm a Libra/Goat, and
he's a Cparicorn/Ox. But for some reason, some incredible karmic
reason, I embark in a relationship. A month later, this man
wants to marry me. I love you! he tells me constantly. I am
very uncomfortable because I don't feel I love him yet something
tells me to stay.
Now I've grown to wondering if you weren't the cause of that
entire situation. You were left an orphan as a young child, and
you spent your summers with an elderly uncle, also a priest, in a
little godforsaken place in the hills of this province. You met
a woman with whom you were totally incompatible, and after years
of courting, you finally married. No children. Finally, you
decided to adopt. I came along as number three. It wasn't meant
to be. You had both just decided that I was too old, too set in
my ways, and it just wouldn't owrk with the young baby boy you
had just obtained three months prior. But the social workers
begged and begged and finally you agreed to have a look at me,
but there definitely would be no adoption at this point as it
would require a winter wardrobe which for two months would be a
wasteful expense.
They sat me on the kidney shaped orange couch, and I tore your
heart away. You knew it wasn't the right place for me. You knew
your wife didn't want me. You should have said no, but I know
what it's like. I was conned into bringing home the sweetest
looking Husky pup one day. I knew it was wrong; he was too big
for the yard; I wouldn't have the energy or stamina to properly
take care of him, but I held him in my arms, looked into his
langourous eyes, and drove away with a new dog.
O.K. So I wasn't a dog. I might as well have been. They
checked my pedigree and because "it was better than most",
decided there must not be too much of a delay before I was
adopted. You weren't able to take care of me. I was battered,
verbally assaulted every day of my childhood, emotionally abused
and there wasn't a thing you did about it. I do remember that
one day, you told your wife that if she continued, you would call
Children's Aid. But it continued and you looked the other way.
It gnawed at you. Eventually, you developped cancer of the
stomach, of the intestines, cancer everywhere and you finally
died, to come back to me in my dreams a few weeks later and tell
me you "had found someone for me". I was fuming! Especially
since this person came from the same town as the one where you'd
spent part of your childhood as an orphan. Now here I was, by
some unlikely coincidence, orphaned, living with my grandmother,
working in the same little town where my natural mother had come
to work and hide until I was born. Uncanny!
Well I married that man. Are you happy? I knew I shouldn't but
some unexplainable force made me do it. And I've been unhappy,
unfulfilled for nineteen years. But I have decided that I will
not waste away and die of cancer the way you did. I think you
played a cruel trick on me. Sure. I married a good man, an
honest man. An excellent father. What more could the woman want
they all said. I don't know any woman who wouldn't give her
eyeteeth to have the kind of man she's got, they all said. Well
I was embarassed not to be more grateful. But there's been
something missing all these years. I didn't know what it was. I
wanted to do something. Something on my own, sparkling, exotic
but I was all tripped up. I just couldn't get it together. I
had children and hated the thought of them being abandonned by a
mother who "had to go find herself". I knew that in fifteen,
twenty years, the fact that I had found myself would be of no
consolation to a bunch of little children I'd left behind. So I
stayed and tried to make the house nice, tried to bake and garden
and knit and sew but I was so miserable I would cry myself sick
on my staircase every evening once the children slept. I didn't
know what I wanted. Such talent everyone wouldd say. She could
be anything she wants. But I didn't know if I wanted to be a
baker or a teacher or a doctor or a graphic artist, so I counted
pills all day in a hospital pharmacy. Of course, I knew what I
really wanted to be. I wanted to be a foreign and war
correspondant and had been saying it for years but it always drew
such mirth that eventually, I sort of said it as a joke myself.
Two children, three children later, I would still be saying:
"when I grow up, I'm going to be a foreign and war
correspondant." Then, another child, another static career as a
translator, because this was acceptable for a mother. At one
point, I knew I had grown up because I started saying: "I used to
think I would be a foreign and war correspondant when I grew up."
Nostalgia. To be truthful, I never wanted to be anything else.
A freelance photojournalist, foreign and war correspondant. I
would see the world and report it in a way people weren't used to
seeing. A woman's perspective. But that's history now. Now, I
still do odd jobs, but people call me stubborn. They say I have
a problem with authority, that I'm too much of a perfectionnist.
It's all true. So now I work on my own, never really doing
anything very meaningful. I no longer cry in the staircase. I
rarely cry at all. When I do, it's when I go for long walks in
the rain. No one else is out and if perchance, I do cross
someone, my tears don't show because, one, it's raining, and two,
it's dark. Depression is a strange thing. So is wanting to
commit suicide. I don't like myself. I'm too self-centered.
There are all kinds of reasons people find and I'm only too
willing to believe them. I try to shake myself out of it. I
give myself a good talking to. Live one day at a time, one hour
at a time if need be. They all tell me and I believe them and I
take their advice and you know? It works. One hour at a time, I
can throw my depression out the window and live for all those
around me and ooze out love and good feelings. Because that's
what's really important in life. Bullshit! If I am created in
the image of God and if all those around me are created in the
image of God, then, we are all created equal. And if I am going
around, refusing to live my life beyond the hour for fear of
having suicidal thoughts and instead, I am joyfully performing
banal activities so my loved ones can live a stable life,
something is wrong. I am not being honest and neither are the
people around me. If they knew how much it meant to me to do
what I really want to do, they would have let me go a long time
ago. They would have encouraged me. They would have seen
through my lies. A new floor, new household appliances, we'll
keep your children, you need a holiday. I didn't need a holiday.
They all knew it. It was a pretext to keep me home, with my
husband and with my children. A foreign and war correspondant;
it does sound exotic doesn't it? People don't want me to do it
not because they are so worried for my welfare, but because women
with young children don't plunge into an uncertain career, where
possibly, your life could be put in danger. It makes other women
feel bad. My mother-in-law sneered at a woman who went to "find
herself" in India. The woman was a certain age. Her children at
least most of them were adults. People who go "find themselves"
are trying to get away from people who stifle them in order to
make the right decisions.
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passed since his death and it had been perhaps fifteen years
since she'd last spoken to him. But now the time was ripe.
I never did accept what you said to me in that dream the time you
came to me a few months after your death. You were going to find
someone for me! How dare you? I loved someone then, deeply,
passionately. But of course, you and Mom couln't accept him.
You never said a word about how you felt about him while you were
still alive, but then in death, you nonchalantly let me know
"you're going to find me someone. Don't worry about it"
Worry about it? I wasn't worried for a minute. I wasn't in the
least looking for a man. Nineteen years old, with hardly a
relationship under my belt, still a virgin, I wanted adventure,
affairs, passion.
Another couple of months down the line, and I meet a man with
whom I'm totally incompatible. I mean, I'm a Libra/Goat, and
he's a Cparicorn/Ox. But for some reason, some incredible karmic
reason, I embark in a relationship. A month later, this man
wants to marry me. I love you! he tells me constantly. I am
very uncomfortable because I don't feel I love him yet something
tells me to stay.
Now I've grown to wondering if you weren't the cause of that
entire situation. You were left an orphan as a young child, and
you spent your summers with an elderly uncle, also a priest, in a
little godforsaken place in the hills of this province. You met
a woman with whom you were totally incompatible, and after years
of courting, you finally married. No children. Finally, you
decided to adopt. I came along as number three. It wasn't meant
to be. You had both just decided that I was too old, too set in
my ways, and it just wouldn't owrk with the young baby boy you
had just obtained three months prior. But the social workers
begged and begged and finally you agreed to have a look at me,
but there definitely would be no adoption at this point as it
would require a winter wardrobe which for two months would be a
wasteful expense.
They sat me on the kidney shaped orange couch, and I tore your
heart away. You knew it wasn't the right place for me. You knew
your wife didn't want me. You should have said no, but I know
what it's like. I was conned into bringing home the sweetest
looking Husky pup one day. I knew it was wrong; he was too big
for the yard; I wouldn't have the energy or stamina to properly
take care of him, but I held him in my arms, looked into his
langourous eyes, and drove away with a new dog.
O.K. So I wasn't a dog. I might as well have been. They
checked my pedigree and because "it was better than most",
decided there must not be too much of a delay before I was
adopted. You weren't able to take care of me. I was battered,
verbally assaulted every day of my childhood, emotionally abused
and there wasn't a thing you did about it. I do remember that
one day, you told your wife that if she continued, you would call
Children's Aid. But it continued and you looked the other way.
It gnawed at you. Eventually, you developped cancer of the
stomach, of the intestines, cancer everywhere and you finally
died, to come back to me in my dreams a few weeks later and tell
me you "had found someone for me". I was fuming! Especially
since this person came from the same town as the one where you'd
spent part of your childhood as an orphan. Now here I was, by
some unlikely coincidence, orphaned, living with my grandmother,
working in the same little town where my natural mother had come
to work and hide until I was born. Uncanny!
Well I married that man. Are you happy? I knew I shouldn't but
some unexplainable force made me do it. And I've been unhappy,
unfulfilled for nineteen years. But I have decided that I will
not waste away and die of cancer the way you did. I think you
played a cruel trick on me. Sure. I married a good man, an
honest man. An excellent father. What more could the woman want
they all said. I don't know any woman who wouldn't give her
eyeteeth to have the kind of man she's got, they all said. Well
I was embarassed not to be more grateful. But there's been
something missing all these years. I didn't know what it was. I
wanted to do something. Something on my own, sparkling, exotic
but I was all tripped up. I just couldn't get it together. I
had children and hated the thought of them being abandonned by a
mother who "had to go find herself". I knew that in fifteen,
twenty years, the fact that I had found myself would be of no
consolation to a bunch of little children I'd left behind. So I
stayed and tried to make the house nice, tried to bake and garden
and knit and sew but I was so miserable I would cry myself sick
on my staircase every evening once the children slept. I didn't
know what I wanted. Such talent everyone wouldd say. She could
be anything she wants. But I didn't know if I wanted to be a
baker or a teacher or a doctor or a graphic artist, so I counted
pills all day in a hospital pharmacy. Of course, I knew what I
really wanted to be. I wanted to be a foreign and war
correspondant and had been saying it for years but it always drew
such mirth that eventually, I sort of said it as a joke myself.
Two children, three children later, I would still be saying:
"when I grow up, I'm going to be a foreign and war
correspondant." Then, another child, another static career as a
translator, because this was acceptable for a mother. At one
point, I knew I had grown up because I started saying: "I used to
think I would be a foreign and war correspondant when I grew up."
Nostalgia. To be truthful, I never wanted to be anything else.
A freelance photojournalist, foreign and war correspondant. I
would see the world and report it in a way people weren't used to
seeing. A woman's perspective. But that's history now. Now, I
still do odd jobs, but people call me stubborn. They say I have
a problem with authority, that I'm too much of a perfectionnist.
It's all true. So now I work on my own, never really doing
anything very meaningful. I no longer cry in the staircase. I
rarely cry at all. When I do, it's when I go for long walks in
the rain. No one else is out and if perchance, I do cross
someone, my tears don't show because, one, it's raining, and two,
it's dark. Depression is a strange thing. So is wanting to
commit suicide. I don't like myself. I'm too self-centered.
There are all kinds of reasons people find and I'm only too
willing to believe them. I try to shake myself out of it. I
give myself a good talking to. Live one day at a time, one hour
at a time if need be. They all tell me and I believe them and I
take their advice and you know? It works. One hour at a time, I
can throw my depression out the window and live for all those
around me and ooze out love and good feelings. Because that's
what's really important in life. Bullshit! If I am created in
the image of God and if all those around me are created in the
image of God, then, we are all created equal. And if I am going
around, refusing to live my life beyond the hour for fear of
having suicidal thoughts and instead, I am joyfully performing
banal activities so my loved ones can live a stable life,
something is wrong. I am not being honest and neither are the
people around me. If they knew how much it meant to me to do
what I really want to do, they would have let me go a long time
ago. They would have encouraged me. They would have seen
through my lies. A new floor, new household appliances, we'll
keep your children, you need a holiday. I didn't need a holiday.
They all knew it. It was a pretext to keep me home, with my
husband and with my children. A foreign and war correspondant;
it does sound exotic doesn't it? People don't want me to do it
not because they are so worried for my welfare, but because women
with young children don't plunge into an uncertain career, where
possibly, your life could be put in danger. It makes other women
feel bad. My mother-in-law sneered at a woman who went to "find
herself" in India. The woman was a certain age. Her children at
least most of them were adults. People who go "find themselves"
are trying to get away from people who stifle them in order to
make the right decisions.
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